Purgatory: Naruto Style
by Lack Thereof
Summary: Itachi, Gaara, Kakashi, amongst others, have been shoved into a car where they must stay for 10 days without leaving the car. Danger, people, and mental health will all be risked for our gentlemen. What shall they do?
1. Day 1

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**Purgatory: Naruto Style**

**© The Serenity**

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_**A/N: **__This is my THIRD story for Naruto, and __**I think**__ I know what I'm doing now. But if there's some random twist, just remember I do little to no planning on stories, so bear with me. Anyway, a reviewer asked if I was completely nuts, and well, yes. Not that it is anything new per se..._

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**Somewhere in California**

So, one dark night when everyone was asleep, the clock ticked along with the beat of the culprit's heart...

Ah, screw it.

This is just a stupid thirteen year old girl who is wondering why an action show called Naruto has violence at three in the morning, to be point blank.

And all of a sudden she had one fanatical, unwise idea that was totally irrelevant and illogical. She started sketching out the niceties of her conspiracy. And the idiot titled it,

"10 Days in a Car in Downtown Little Rock, Arkansas."

Why she chose Little Rock, Arkansas out of the thousands of towns out there has still not been figured out this day, and any suggestions would be well esteemed.

Then she wrote underneath.

"Naruto Style."

"This should teach them." The maniac snickered (being incapable of evil laughing.) She then put her scheme into action.

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**Little Rock, Arkansas**

Itachi was brusquely awakened from his murderous daydream of slitting Sasuke's throat by a digging into his ribcage. He opened his crimson eyes, and Kakashi was leaning against him, scrambling for room. Itachi looked around.

There was him, Deidara, Sasori, Sasuke, Tobi, Gaara, and Kakashi all itching for room inside the four man convertible. Itachi was in the front seat, Kakashi was squeezed on the ashtray, Sasori and Deidara were sharing space on the passenger seat, and Tobi, Sasuke, and Gaara were all crammed on the back seat.

Itachi didn't know how the hell he got there, but he did know he did not like it. His hand flew to the door handle, but suddenly a big voice boomed.

**"You better not open that door."**

"And why not?" Itachi sassed back.

**"You are now involuntarily on a game show called: PURGATORY." **

"Let me go." Gaara growled and attempted to escape.

**"I wouldn't do that."**

Only then did they notice the parking lot they were in was surrounded by hundreds of teddy bears holding machetes amongst other weapons that didn't look fun to play with.

**"You are stuck in a car for ten days. Should you try to leave, you'll be taken down and be sent to the Brink."**

Itachi looked to his left. The "Brink" was a whole bunch of fangirls with overdramatic eye makeup, stretching their arms out to hug him.

"Itachi-kun! Itachi-kun!" They chanted.

**"If you dare fight the teddy bears, you will be beaten senseless and fed to the fangirls in nothing but boxers."**

"Okay okay, we get it." Deidara snapped, wiggling for seat space. Sasori pushed him over so he could have the majority of the seat.

"But Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi protested. Nobody said anything after that. They just rubbed their foreheads, wondering how they were going to spend ten days like this.

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**A/N: **Who should go first? 


	2. Day 2

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**Purgatory: Naruto Style**

**© Lack Thereof  
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_**A/N: **__Chapter 2 is now up! Keep telling me who should be going next. Due to the majority of opinion amongst you all, I think one certain faceless man will be facing the Brink!_

_Anyway, changed my penname! Woot! _

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**Day 2**

**Summary: **Night passes without much trouble. However, when dawn arrives, our gentlemen have a little squabble...

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"I'm bored." Deidara announced to the sulking men sitting in the car. Sasori sighed.

"Why don't you find something to amuse entertain yourself with then?" Sasori said slowly, as if speaking to a small child.

"But Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi snapped. Sasuke rubbed his forehead, wondering what he did to deserve this.

"Let's listen to the radio." Itachi suggested. Kakashi turned it on, and a medicine advertisement for the enlarging of the prostate aired. Some people snickered, others groaned. Sasuke leaned over and switched the station to a slow, very emotional song. Itachi switched it, and blasting death metal rang through everyone's ears.

Sasuke switched it back.

Itachi switched it back.

Kakashi turned it off.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"How many times are you going to say that?" Gaara inquired. Tobi shrugged and stared at the clouds.

Nighttime fell, and suddenly Deidara started crying.

"I-I don't w-want to be here anym-more. I c-can't s-sleep." Deidara wiped his eyes with his sleeves. Sasori turned to them.

"Does anyone have a good story to tell him?" Sasori asked. Gaara raised his hand. Sasori nodded and motioned for him to go.

"Once upon a time there were a handful of men stuck in a car for ten days. They all died. The end." Gaara said simply.

Deidara's sobs grew louder. Sasori grimaced and rubbed Deidara's back.

"Thanks, now you got him all worked up." Sasori growled. Gaara shrugged. Kakashi decided to step up to the plate.

"Okay, once upon a time there were these uh...pink pretty ponies." Kakashi began, making it up as he went, "They all went to...uh... Pretty Faerie Land...and...um...had fun! And they ate chocolate cake and brownies and such. Then they all went home and went to sleep. The end." Deidara slowly started to calm down.

"One more." Sasori commanded. Tobi volunteered.

"Once upon a time there was a toy. Tobi got the toy because..."

"He was a good boy." everyone answered.

"No!_ He_ isn't a good boy! _Tobi_ is!!" Tobi insisted.

Gaara had enough of the faceless man and him speaking in third person and thinking pronouns were names. He grabbed Tobi and, using his sand, tossed the orange-masked straight out of the convertible. Everyone paused and turned to see what would happen. Tobi was brutally attacked by the teddybears, and Itachi wiped off some blood that had splattered onto his face.

"Bye bye Tobi." Everyone said in unison as he was carried off to the Brink, where he was devoured by a sole fangirl of him. The rest of them didn't care- they wanted whatever anime male character they were obsessed with.

Tobi's fate scared all of them silly, leaving them wondering who would be next.

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**Author's Note: Tell me, who should go next?**


	3. Day 3

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Purgatory: Naruto Style

by Lack Thereof

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**Author's Note: **_Damn, I got a nice stack of reviews for the last chapter. Those reviews better not start petering out, or I will update verrry slowly! Reviews make me update faster. Keep it up!_

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**Day Three: Mourning for Tobi did not go on for long- in fact it didn't take place at all. Our gentlemen were overcome with a new feeling they had shaken hands with often- hunger. As their stomach's become empty, so does their logic...**

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Gaara felt his stomach rumble, and suddenly felt a wishing that he had eaten Tobi instead of that fangirl. He fished around in his pockets for some source of nutrition, and then remembered that he had eaten all he had yesterday. He sighed and swallowed his saliva in a desperate attempt to have something in his stomach. He looked around, and felt fairly certain that everyone was just as miserable as he was. 

Kakashi decided to speak what everyone was thinking, so that using their sleep-deprived minds they might be able to pull something together.

"Gentlemen, I think we need to somehow improvise for this problem." Kakashi announced. Murmurings of agreement rattled throughout the Honda convertible. Kakashi continued, "Any suggestions?"

"I say we abandon this damn project and jump out of the car." Sasuke sneered. Everyone was silent while they pondered this.

"What if we get a prize for making it through ten days?" Itachi pointed out, unable to resist the urge to argue. Suddenly everyone was taken by an urge to win, and Sasuke was alone in his idea.

"We're going to die before we even get the damn prize!" Sasuke shouted, and everyone was awoken to reality. Everyone started tittering around, and whispers were passing around the car. Sasuke was thrilled to have the support of the republic again, and added, "I don't know about you, but I'm fucking out of here."

"I'm with you." Sasori struggled out of the seatbelt he and Deidara were sharing as a defense measure against any impaling enemies that might come. He stood and prepared to depart the automobile. Deidara threw his arms around Sasori's legs in a last ditch attempt to save his master from the dreadful consequences that were sure to ensue.

"Sasori danna, NO." Deidara pleaded. Sasori looked down and tried to weaken the blonde's grasp around his calves. Sasuke decided not to wait for the redhead to free himself of Deidara.

Sasuke counted to three and tossed himself from the car. Everyone was silent to see what would happen. Kakashi scrambled over the seats and Gaara in a futile attempt to save his student. It was too late. The tireless teddy bears had already surrounded him. They dragged him to the Brink, where roars of approval sounded off. Shruiken were flying as Sasuke made a valiant try at life.

The fangirls pounced on him, and tore him apart and ate him promptly. Itachi's eyes widened. Never in his murderous past had he seen anything like that, nor in his violent mind had he ever even DREAMED of that. He was a tiny bit jealous that they beat him to it.

Sasori slowly sat down into his seat, very humbled, and pulled the seatbelt over his and Deidara's laps once more.

Just when everyone was about to doze off again after that trauma, a grumble (a very audible one at that) rumbled the Honda. Everyone sat up automatically and glanced towards the culprit. Gaara! He had keeled over in hunger! Kakashi decided to bring up the conversation again, but Sasori beat him to it.

"The situation is dire." He began dramatically, "I believe it is time to resort to more primitive ways of obtaining food." He paused and then added, "We have to resort to cannibalism."

Itachi's back stiffened at the thought. "Be cannibals?"

"Exactly." Sasori nodded solemnly, "I believe we should eat Gaara first. He's already half dead and sleeping, and I believe he'll be a tasty snack.""

"You guys, there has to be another way." Deidara protested, fearing for Gaara's life.

"We could eat the car." Kakashi suggested. Everyone cringed. Itachi uncharacteristically banged his head against the steering wheel, causing a rather large honk to sound. After that all was quiet as they decided which option was less disturbing.

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** A/N: Review rhymes with you! **

**What should befall upon these unlucky bachelors now?  
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	4. Day 4

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_**Purgatory: Naruto Style**_

_**by Lack Thereof**_

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**Day Four: **_Hunger still rumbling in their stomachs, they are deciding between__ eating the car or eating each other. Our gentlemen are faced with a dire need for something to digest, should it be metal or muscle._

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**1:00 AM SUNDAY MORNING**

Gaara came back to his senses after being half dead for hours, rather roughly. Someone was sitting on him. And well, Gaara was in no mood to shine mercy on that lucky individual. He rather roughly pushed that person off of him.

The ninja- a brunette one- tumbled to the ground and winced in pain. He wobbled to his feet, and Gaara recognized him as Shikamaru Nara from Konoha. He looked down at the starved ninjas, having lost so much weight you could probably see their rib bones if they took their shirts off. He gasped and fell back on the seats.

"Kakashi-sensei? Gaara? Akatsuki?!_" _Shikamaru inquired, not believing his eyes. Here was five bitter enemies and so far no one was lifting a damn kunai at each other. Kakashi was lying on top of the dashboard _asleep_, Uchiha Itachi was leaning back in the driver's seat _asleep_, Sasori and Deidara were leaning against each other (probably for warmth) _asleep_, and Gaara was well, _not asleep_, but glaring at him.

"Get out ...of my...way or...I'll...kill..." Gaara was suddenly too tired to finish his sentence, and fell back against the seat, and his eyes started falling shut. Shikamaru shook him.

"C'mon man, stay with me." Shikamaru pleaded, freaked as hell at what was going on. He took out a piece of bread from inside his pocket. Gaara, fueled by desperate hunger, snatched it away and devoured it at record speeds. Shikamaru blinked at the sudden change in demeanor. Then he remembered what he was saying.

"Gaara... what's happening?" Shikamaru inquired, looking at the armed teddy bears to the Brink and back again to Gaara.Gaara shook his head, swallowing the last of the bread.

"You tell me." Gaara tried to inject some sarcasm into the situation, but it came out sounding weak. And honestly, even he understood this was no place for sarcasm. This was a _fight for survival_, and although how much he disliked it, he was going to have to use these people to get out alive.

**"Hello Nara."** A deep voice rumbled from far away. Shikamaru glanced around nervously.

"Me?" His voice sounded small.

**"That's damn right. Now listen up."**

"Yes sir or m'am or what are you?" Shikamaru stammered.

**"It don't matter."**

"Okay." Shikamaru dismissed the display of evidently poor grammar.

**"You are involuntarily participating on a reality show called PURGATORY. You are going to spend the rest of these 10 days stuck in THIS Honda. Not THAT Lexus, or THAT Hyundai, THIS Honda."**

"I'm going to leave." Shikamaru announced, getting up. The teddy bears pointed their guns at him. He slowly sat down. "Okay okay I get it."

It was going to be a looong morning...

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**Later that Morning...**

Deidara woke up, his head being in a very disturbing place, and he quickly removed himself. He had been sleeping on Sasori's lap. The puppeteer was still asleep, and Deidara glanced around the car, hunger returning. He noticed Shikamaru Nara.

"Do you have food?" Deidara demanded.

"No way," Shikamaru gaped, "They're keeping a woman here?" Deidara's glare automatically told the brown-haired ninja the answer. Shikamaru quickly apologized, not wanting to pick a fight with the people who were going to help him get out of here.

All of a sudden the rest of his fellow prisoners began to stir, facing yet another day of sunburning and boredom. Kakashi opened his eyes, and they widened when they saw Shikamaru.

"Shikamaru? Don't tell me, they're keeping you here too?" Shikamaru nodded gravely. Kakashi dragged a hand down his face in an "aye-yai-yai" kind of way. He looked up hopefully, "Did you perchance...bring food?"

"Gaara ate it all." Shikamaru admitted. Suddenly everyone else was wide awake, and they all glared at the red-hair Sand ninja.

"Heheh." Gaara laughed. Until he saw the murderous faces of his companions, "No... hard feelings right?"

"Kill him!" Deidara screamed. No one needed any telling. They whipped out their kunai. Gaara looked desperately at Shikamaru.

"Wait, wait!" Shikamaru shouted, "I might have food." He quickly added when he saw Gaara being hovered over the street, ready to be thrown out of the car.

They all paused, still not dropping him.

"I'm the Kazekage! Put me down!" Gaara instructed.

"Do you really want us to?" Sasori sneered. Gaara, after seeing what Sasori meant, shook his head.

Meanwhile Shikamaru was looking desperately through every nook and cranny of his pockets. He pulled out two slices of bread, and quickly divided it before he could be attacked.

After everyone receiving their nutrition, they were able to think again. Dropping Gaara, they all returned to their seats. Gaara managed to get back in before he could hit the ground.

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"I think I know what to do." Deidara stood up, and summoned his huge bird. Everyone looked hopeful.

"So long suckers!" He cheered, and hopped aboard, "Now I can take one more person with me- who should it be?" Everyone looked at each other.

"I can teach you Sharingan." Itachi offered, "And how to be just as badass as me." Deidara tapped his bottom teeth in thought.

"I have some tickets to the Ramen place." Kakashi held up two tickets that were meant to be Naruto's birthday present, but hell, all was fair in love and war. Deidara rested his eyes on him for a second, before looking at Shikamaru.

"I have a hundred bucks." Shikamaru bargained. Deidara twirled his hair in thought.

"I'll give you the position of Kazekage!" Gaara proposed, desperate to get the hell out of here. Deidara nodded, and looked at Sasori, who had a wicked smile upon his face.

"I can offer..." Sasori purred, and stood up and whispered in Deidara's ear. Deidara's eyes widened, and he grinned.

"Now, I make my choice." Deidara announced as Sasori reclined in the passenger seat.

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**A/N: Sorry for the long wait everyone! Now, who should Deidara pick?**

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	5. Day 4 Continued

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_**Purgatory: Naruto Style**_

_**by Lack Thereof**_

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**Day Four: **_The dilemma has changed. An opportunity to escape is at hand. There's just one catch- only one person may leave with the escapist. Now, we decide who gets to run while the others stake it out. _

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**12:30 PM SUNDAY AFTERNOON  
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"How about you transport all of us one by one?" Kakashi, being the most even-minded and wholesome person in the group, offered. Murmurings of agreement circled the convertible, and everyone turned back to the flaxen-haired Deidara in expectation. Deidara shook his head.

"Hell, yeah." Deidara said. Everyone brightened, "I mean, I mean, _hell no_, yeah! I'm not coming back here!" Everyone looked disappointed.

"How about we kill you and hijack the bird." Gaara threatened, being the pacifist he is.

"No thanks." Deidara waved off the murderous threat.

"How about some of us go into the beak?" Itachi pointed to the bird's giant beak.

"Do you really want to be bird crap?" Shikamaru asked just in perfect sequence with the droppings that fell out of the bird's behind and onto the windshield. Grunts of disgust circled the passengers, including Deidara.

"Everyone shut up yeah!" Deidara screamed over everyone's suggestions, "I set the regulations, and only one person goes with me!" Everyone was silent.

"And I choose Sasori!" Deidara decided. Sasori made a whooping sound and hopped aboard the bird. Protests were screamed from the rest of the prisoners.

"You're just choosing him because he probably offered you sex!" Gaara bitterly said.

"No because he's my master and my closest friend out of all of you bastards." Deidara sneered back.

"Oh you little..." Itachi rose from his driver's seat, only to be pushed back down by Kakashi.

"Don't waste your energy!" Kakashi shouted, forcing Itachi down by sitting on him. Itachi scrambled, then just sulked in defeat. Everyone watched in misery as the redhead and the blonde flew off over the parking lot and away to do their nasty deeds, despite the bullets of the teddy bears.

"Well gentlemen." Kakashi maintained, "At least we preserved our chastity and our morals. That's the most important thing of all."

"Screw that!" Gaara declared, "We're still stuck in this damn car! That's the most important thing of all!" Kakashi hated to admit it, but Gaara did have a point, and so it went on through the afternoon.

Suddenly Itachi was curious about the way he looked and wondered if he looked just as sunburned as they. He turned the rearview mirror toward himself.

Yup. Sunburned on his nose and across his cheeks, bags under his eyes, and his hair was disheveled. Just great. Not only did he feel like crap, he looked like crap too.

And did he care as of the moment?

No.

Shikamaru decided to break the silence between them all.

"You know, prolonged sun exposure can lead to nausea and a rare, deadly skin cancer?" the brown haired ninja piped. Gaara turned his face heavenward in a "why me" kind of way.

"Oh, greeat! Not only are we hungry to hell and are being threatened by overgrown teddy bears, but we're going to develop skin cancer too! Wahoo!" Gaara cheered sarcastically.

"Well, so-ree." Shikamaru sheeshed, then turned away from the group. The day went on, until the boredom became suffocating, and Itachi had to do something to ease their plight.

"I have a game." Itachi purred, stretching, "Who wants to play?"

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**A/N: A gazillionbillion apologies to all your wonderful people. Especially to EvilFaerie17, who I have accidentally been ignoring (I'd never on purpose do so- I am very forgetful per se!) Even though I'm positive you've already heard it a million times...**

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	6. How Much Longer is Day 4?

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_**Purgatory: Naruto Style**_

_**by Lack Thereof**_

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_**A/N: Sorry everyone! Feel free to throw rocks at me in your reviews (preferably rocks from Ireland please- they're my favorite!)  
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**Day Four: **_Itachi has decided to overcome boredom with his latest plot device. Now our gentlemen have two choices- to sacrifice their dignity or... sacrifice their clothes.  
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"I would." Kakashi said, "Why not? It can help pass time." 

"Sure thing dude." Shikamaru oozed as he stretched. They looked toward Gaara. Gaara stared back at them emotionlessly.

"Why are you looking at me? I'm in." Gaara deadpanned. They looked back at Itachi, who flexed his muscles and sat up in his seat.

"Now that you have agreed, there's no backing out." Itachi looked at each one of them slowly, scrutinizing them. All of them nodded, fear clouding their eyes, "Calm down. It's not Mangekyou Sharingan."

The three men began to calm down, Kakashi in particular. Itachi grinned sadistically,

"It's worse."

"What is it?" Gaara demanded, unable to stand the suspense.

"Let's play... Truth or..." Itachi tapped his chin.

"Dare?" Shikamaru guessed.

"Truth or Strip." Itachi corrected. All of them gawked at him.

"What kind of screwed up game is this?" Gaara shouted, leaping to his feet in an incredible spurt of energy. As the teddy bears tirelessly lifted their guns, he was quick to settle himself once more.

"You already agreed." Itachi snapped.

"Fine, fine, fine. How do you play?" Shikamaru quickly asked.

"You have two choices. You can either say whatever your answer is, or you have to remove an article of clothing." Itachi coolly explained. Shikamaru nodded his head, wondering if this was some kind of queer Akatsuki game.

"I'll go first." Kakashi offered, "I dare YOU Itachi, to tell us the secret to bringing in such an..." He swept his arm toward the pyscho fangirls, who had briefly stopped their screaming to touch up their eyeliner or give their lips another coat of gloss. Now that they realized the characters were looking at them, they started their antics all over again, "...expansive, humongous fanbase?"

"I would never tell." Itachi declared, "No one shall achieve the caliber of my sexiness! I would rather strip!" And doing so he removed his Akatsuki cloak, revealing dark pants and shirt underneath. All three of them gawked for a moment.

"I dare Shikamaru to admit to us all that he wants to make out with Temari like all hell!" Itachi announced. Shikamaru gasped, and Gaara turned his head toward the brown-haired ninja with an unbelievably murderous expression. Shikamaru inched away as Gaara unsheathed a abnormally large kunai from within his pockets.

"I would never!" Shikamaru screamed, "I would rather strip naked then do so!" Gaara paused, and a look of shock spread over his features.

"Take it back man. Take it back." Gaara urged him desperately.

"He can't!" Kakashi moaned.

"That's right!" Itachi chirped, his sadistic side cheering gleefully. All of them looked at him.

"Hey, you know it was all going to happen eventually." Itachi informed them. Silently agreeing, Kakashi and Gaara turned their attention back to Shikamaru.

"Geez luu-eez..." Shikamaru fumbled his shirt buttons.

**10 Minutes Later**

Shikamaru was bare all the way down to his boxers. All of them had turned away from him in embarrassment.

"Do I have to...remove these too?" Shikamaru asked nervously.

"Yes." They all told him regretfully.

"Forget it man. I'm outta here." Shikamaru said a silent prayer and prepared to depart the vehicle onto the parking lot. Kakashi, having already lost Sasuke, was not about to lose another Genin. Kakashi jumped and football-tackled him, accidentally kicking the car door open. Falling flat on the pavement, Kakashi scrambled to get himself back in the vehicle with Shikamaru, Itachi, and Gaara, but alas! The teddy bears surrounded him, and promptly dragged him to the Brink, where the fangirls simply dined upon him.

"Sometimes, late at night when I'm alone," said Gaara thoughtfully, "I really do wonder: who is the lunatic behind this? She needs to be put in jail."

"Agreed." The other two nodded their heads and retreated to their corners, and Shikamaru scrambled for his clothes but mournfully realized they had fallen out of the car along with Kakashi.

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**A/N: Well, here it is! Kind of lame I know, but I have had zilch time between school and all that jazz to do anything. But if you liked _My Favorite Little Puppet_ and Akatsuki, if you would Author Alert me, I have an Akatsuki-themed story coming up, _Gynophobia: Fear of Females. _**

_With all love, Lack Thereof_

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